Our first week home was a roller coaster of emotions. We had the most perfect little girl to take care of and love and snuggle all day–and that little girl just happened to look like her birth mom’s twin. It was hard to not think of Lauren every time I looked at Alayna for quite some time and not feel guilt over the pain that Lauren must be going through. Alayna was such a good little newborn. She slept so much at first we would have to set alarms to wake her up to eat. She would do these cute little faces where she would push her lips out like “Magnum” or “Blue Steel” and we would all laugh. Her jaundice was pretty high, so she looked really tan–the one thing that did not look like Lauren to me, haha. The boys were so in love with her. They would love to wake up in the morning and tell her good morning and talk to her (they still do-but now they fight over who goes first, who is taking too long, and I love it).
I worried about Lauren a lot that week. We texted a lot, I sent her lots of pictures everyday and updates about how Alayna was doing. She even came with me on one of my shoots not long-under two weeks after Alayna was born and we froze our butts off in Park City. We also went to a movie (Iron Man 3) and had dinner together and a really great long talk in my car in the parking lot. We would have many long good talks since. I think the advice I would give to any adoptive mom is don’t give up. It will get really hard. My lowest point is when Lauren needed some space and didn’t want communication for a while. I was worried she wouldn’t come back and I just couldn’t imagine her not in our life. It killed me to not communicate with her, but I let her have her space to heal. I think from months 2-4 were the hardest for us for sure with our relationship. Emotions are high and so are hormones (I truly believe that it doesn’t take pregnancy to make a mom turn into a hormone crazy momma bear, haha). I truly believe that it was partly because of those trials that made me feel like Alayna’s mom. I 100% feel like it now and a lot of that has to do as well with Lauren giving me the support and kind words that I am Alayna’s mom. So many adoptive moms have feelings of insecurity when it comes to their role as the child’s mom-I did for sure. I am just so glad I am secure now with my role because I think it makes it so I can have a healthy relationship with Lauren as well. We made it through I hope, the hardest part, and from here on out it is many happy days to come! I love when Lauren and Matt come to visit. It just feels like everyone is home 😀
I loved re-watching this video and seeing the newness of Alayna-her peeling skin, gray blue eyes and how little she was in my arms. I spent many mornings just holding her and snuggling her-it was our bonding time. I don’t regret that my house got neglected, I was in pj’s most days and I got behind on my work and am still catching up! She was worth all of that time because now she doesn’t ever want to snuggle-except sometimes in the middle of the night or early in the morning when she wants to eat and goes back to sleep. I sometimes just rock her for a few minute or so before putting her back in her bed because that is the only time she will let me snuggle her and just breathe in her baby goodness!
The Cooper Family 2013 from Davey Orgill on Vimeo.
Beautiful photo above by Alicia Kinne Photography
Read more here:
Looking back at Placement {adoption}
Love at First Sight {adoption}
Looking Back at Alayna’s birth {adoption}
Building a Relationship {adoption}
