Learning through trials {adoption}

So lately I have been typing up Lauren and I’s texts we sent each other so we could have them saved somewhere.  It has been so fun to remember what we first talked about before we actually met in person.  It was like any relationship when it first starts-a little awkward and questions about favorite things, childhood, stuff like that.  But what no one ever told me was how it would be to create a friendship with someone that you want to have their baby.  That is something no one can prepare you for.  You feel really guilty about everything you say, hoping it won’t be taken the wrong way.  You look over everything you send-making sure each word is spelled correctly, the grammar is correct, and you don’t sound like an idiot.  I am a pretty social person and I love to make new friends, so it was hard knowing that any birth mother that we had contact with may be thinking we were acting a certain way or saying things just to get her baby, and I hated that.  So I just decided I just had to be myself and become her friend no matter what the outcome.  I actually got to do this even before Lauren.

Some people didn’t know we had another adoption situation that didn’t work out.  We were (ok really I was) in contact with her for four months only by email.  She lived out of state and there was just always something that felt off with that situation.  She wrote me an email the month she was due about how she had decided to parent.  I’ve never really shared this before because it really did hurt more than I thought it would in that situation.  I have a feeling it may help someone though, so I want to share.  This is the email I received:

“After really thinking about this, I just cannot go through with it.  I have talked with (father of the baby) who is not going to be able to help much, but I think that I can find a way to make things work out for us.  I will have to get a job after she is born, and my mom will be available some to watch them, so that will help with daycare costs.  This is not something I had before.  I am not sure it will work out as I hope it will once she is born, but I think there is a chance it may, and even though I still think adoption is the best option, I just cannot do it.  I hope you understand, and I hope you are not upset.  I really feel just terrible about all of this, and I wish I had something different I could say.”

This was my response:

“Thank you for letting us know.  How could we be mad at you?  It is a choice I don’t think I could make myself, so I could never fault another mother for feeling like she couldn’t do it.  Of course we are sad, but we believe {and I just have to keep believing} that whatever baby is supposed to come to us, will come.   We both wish you the best and will pray for you that things will go well for you and your family 😀  I was totally serious about being here for you if you still needed us if you decided not to place with us.  So if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.  I don’t want to be pushy about staying in contact with us, but if you still want to, I would love to still hear from you.

We really appreciate you even considering placing her with us.   Here is a scripture I thought was good for right now:  John 14:27: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
Her response:
“I am glad you understand.  It was hard for me to tell you.  I appreciate the kindness and understanding you have shown. You are free to stay in contact if you like.  I hope that you are having a nice weekend.”
After responding to her I broke down and cried….for a long time that night.  My heart was broken not only for our family, but for her.  I couldn’t imagine what she was going through and how hard it must have been for her to make that decision.  In adoption I feel like any decision will be hard in their own ways.  Little did I know that just eleven days later our caseworker would call us and say there was a couple that was interested in us and was trying to contact us and didn’t hear back from us.  I never did get that first email, but I am sure glad that Lauren and Matt didn’t give up on us!   We started emailing at first, then lots of texting and met for the first time on December 6th.  (More on that later).  I feel like I had to go through that first experience to learn and grow from it so that when the right situation came along we would know it.  I also really did want to be friends and have a relationship with the first expectant mom that contacted us.  I really had such compassion and love for her, even though we had only had contact through emails.  My heart broke for her and the decision she had to make.  I still think about her sometimes and hope she and her daughters are doing well.  I never heard back from her after contacting her a couple of times later and didn’t want to overstep anything, so I stopped emailing her.  After she decided to parent, I realized that I could have a relationship and love this mother even if she didn’t place with us.  It was a hard learning experience, but one I am grateful for because it made me open my heart to Lauren and just want a real relationship with her, no matter what her final decision was.
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