**This morning I realized it has been exactly 6 months since placement, so I am posting two posts today. I also realized I missed Alayna turning six months on Sunday!!! I think I have too much going on this week 😀 **
This is the post I have been dreading to write about. Let’s just say placement day was not what you see on tv, at least for me. At this point I hadn’t really slept or ate much in almost three days. My body had turned against me. You know when you have cried so much that you think you can’t cry anymore, but yet somehow, your body still can make tears? That was happening. I was dehydrated from all of the crying. I had to wear glasses because my contacts stung too bad when I tried to put them in.
My friend Melani offered to do my hair that day. I am so grateful for her that day-she is one that I can always talk to about anything and she really helped me through a lot of the feelings I was having. I don’t think I ever had feelings worrying if Lauren and Matt were going to sign the papers. It was because they were going to sign the papers that I was so worried about. I felt like I was tearing out Lauren’s heart, taking a part of her away and I was so worried that she wouldn’t be ok later.
I went home and my friend Tara was cleaning my house. She was moving to Wales and I had to say goodbye to her when we left for the hospital. That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that I had to say goodbye to my best friend again on one of the worst days of my life. I got spoiled by having her here for months (she hadn’t lived close to me for 11 years–Tonga, Ohio, and far from me in Utah) and I didn’t want to let her go just yet. She had helped me the last few months and I know it wasn’t a coincidence she had been in Utah when she was. I look back and see that she was here when she needed to be and left when she needed to be with her husband…even though if I had it my way she never would have left even eleven years ago, haha!
We drove to the hospital and sat in the lobby with our caseworkers. We showed them the videos that were made the days before, went over paperwork and signed the ones we needed to, but I was having a panic attack. My friend Brittany came to take pictures of placement and even though it felt so horrible, we are all glad she was there and we have these pictures. Matt came out and gave us the diaper bag and we hugged him. Lauren wanted some time alone with Alayna and I was so glad she took that time. Matt went back in and they signed the papers. The lady, I think she was a judge, I can’t even remember, came out to the lobby to tell me they had signed the papers. I sighed. She said, “Oh I bet that is a relief that they signed.” I broke down. I was angry at her for even thinking that is what I was thinking about. I wanted to yell at her and say, “One of my best friends just signed papers and is hurting right now and all I care about is that she is hurting right now!!!!” I didn’t. I couldn’t. All I could get out is, “That’s not what it’s about.” Lauren’s caseworker knew what it was about though. She said, “Terra, I’m really worried about you.” I told her I would be ok. And I was, as soon as I saw Lauren.
When I saw her and Matt come out of the room holding Alayna I looked at her and knew she would be ok. How could she not?! She just did one of the hardest things that anyone could ever do. She is so strong. She is so brave. We hugged. We looked at each other for what seemed like forever. She looked down and Alayna and back at me a few times as if to say “Take her.” I couldn’t do it. She was stronger than me in that moment. She took a step forward and started to hand Alayna to me. I’m not sure how I kept standing. I hugged her again and told her I loved her. Her and Matt left and I broke down again. I sat down with Alayna and just sobbed. It took a few minutes for the peace to come. And it did. It was amazing that suddenly I felt at peace. Lauren told me when she handed Alayna to me she felt at peace. We were both blessed that day to feel peace and love from our Heavenly Father.
We took Alayna into the nursery because we still had more paperwork to do. She got hungry, so I fed her. She didn’t love her carseat (still doesn’t) and at one point we couldn’t get the buckles to buckle. I tried, Josh tried, the nurses tried. I thought it was broken and we would have to go to the store and buy a new one so we could take her home. Luckily we got it to work and we were able to take her home. I sat in the backseat with her and looking back was probably in shock. It didn’t seem real. When we brought her in the house Caleb had waited up to see her. He was so excited and proud. He was excited to tell my sister who was watching them all about how she had Lauren’s nose, Matt’s lips, Lauren’s chin and Matt’s hair but looks mostly like Lauren. I fell asleep that night and know that I woke up with Alayna a few times to feed her, but honestly looking back I can’t remember that first night. I know we had to set an alarm to wake her up and eat the first week. She had jaundice, but luckily didn’t have to do any lights. I’ll write more about our first month with Alayna soon. For now, here is the video of placement.
Taking Alayna Lauren Home from Davey Orgill on Vimeo.
I rewatched the video today. Haven’t seen it for almost six months. I don’t remember smiling that much. I just remember trying not to puke or pass out. I do remember how beautiful Lauren looked as she came out. It was like there was a glow all around her. I feel like my heart broke again watching it, but now it is different. Six months have done so much healing for us all. We are in a really good place now and I am so grateful for that. I will never be able to repay Lauren and Matt for the perfect angel they placed into our family, but I will sure try 😀
Read more:
Love at First Sight {adoption}
Looking Back at Alayna’s birth {adoption}
Building a Relationship {adoption}
