Placement of Alayna

Thank you Brittany Cascio for taking the pictures of this sacred moment.  I chose this song because it sounds like to me each beat is like a step hard to take.  That is exactly what this day felt like.  This is my side of our story.  I know Lauren has her own story.

All I could think about that day was Lauren and the pain she was going through.  I wished so much I could take it away.  I wished so much that there was an easier way.  I thought a few times that I couldn’t do it.  How could I hurt one of my best friends?  (Rationally I knew it was not my fault that she was hurting, but it felt like it.  I know this was her choice.  But it didn’t make it any easier.) I was physically sick by the time we got to the hospital.  I hadn’t slept or ate much in the last three days.  Crying for three days also did a number on my body.  I received so much strength from friends and family that day.  Lauren’s sister in law sent me a message that helped me do this.  Here is just part of her beautiful message that I will cherish forever, ” As you wrap Alayna in your family’s arms, we will wrap Lauren in ours. All is right. All is well. You are a gift to all of us. Please remember that. Even as you mourn for Lauren, remember the gift you are. You are rare. You are precious. Thank you.”

I started to have an anxiety attack while we were waiting in the waiting room for Lauren and Matt to come out.  It was never about worrying that they were going to sign papers, it was because she was going to sign the papers and I worried so much about her.  I just wanted the best so much for her and to be ok after.  The notary came out and told us they had both signed.  I sighed and started crying.  She said, “That is always a relief.”  I said, “I’m not crying because of that.  I can only imagine how much Lauren is hurting right now and that is all I can think about.”

Some time later after Lauren had some alone time with Alayna she and Matt came out together with Alayna in her arms.  We looked at each other and she looked at me, then at Alayna, as if to say, “Take her.”  I couldn’t do it.  She looked down and at me two more times and I still couldn’t move.  She was stronger than me in that moment and said, “Here.”  I took Alayna into my arms and then Lauren into mine.  I couldn’t say anything except, “I love you.”  We talked about that moment last night and she said, “I noticed that and that showed me a lot about you in just that one moment.”

I hugged her two more times before I let her go.  I hugged Matt and then broke down as they left.  After they left I had a sense of peace come over me.  I could breathe again.  It was surreal.  Here was the most precious and selfless gift anyone had ever given me.  Lauren has told me that knows she made the right decision for her.  She told me that when she saw me, and handed Alayna to me, she got the most peaceful feeling.  She said she knows I am meant to be the mommy who raises her.  That helps me be ok with it.  That helps me know that this was God’s plan and that he will help us all through this.  We both are taking it day by day, but in the end we will be ok-better than ok.  We are family forever now and this miracle little girl did that.  She has already changed so many people’s lives.  We love her so much and are so grateful to have her in our family.  I wrote to Lauren in a book I gave her, “Our family is complete.  Not only because of you, but because you are in it.”

Taking Alayna Lauren Home from Davey Orgill on Vimeo.

Thank you Davey Orgill for putting this slideshow together!