Big News! We’re adopting!!!

We are so very excited to announce we will be adopting a baby girl in April!!!  We are so thankful beyond words to the amazing parents who have chosen our family.  We know that only God could have brought us together!  A literal match made in heaven

A few of my adoptive families/birthparents and I wanted to share things you should and should not say to an adoptive family.  We know that most people are unaware that these things can be hurtful, so hopefully this will bring some awareness to this subject that isn’t talked about very much.  I also wanted to talk about birth mom’s and dad’s and what you should say and not say to them because we all love and respect our birthparents so much.  Thanks to my friends that helped contribute to this post: Karen, Allison, Katie, Hannah, Robin, Kristina, Allison, Kathy, Jennifer, and Lauren.

ADOPTIVE PARENTS

What you SHOULD say:

*Congratulations!

*We are so happy for you!

*You are going to be amazing parents!

What you SHOULD NOT say:

*How sure are you that it’s going to work out? So it’s 100%, right?  (We get this one the most and we know people don’t mean harm by it.  Having said that, this is like asking someone that is pregnant how sure they are that their baby is going to live.  Unfortunately, I was also told this week, “Well, now you just need to see if the baby even makes it.”)  Adoptive parents already fear that placement may not happen, so you don’t need to bring it to our attention.  Not all adoptions work out and not all pregnancies do either-but you don’t need to bring it up.

*Why doesn’t she want her baby? I don’t know how anyone could give up their baby.   Every situation is completely different.  Having said that, all of the birthmothers that I have come across are the most unselfish, amazing women who want the VERY best for their child.  Also, if it wasn’t for these amazing mothers, many families would be without children.

*Now that you are adopting, you will get pregnant.  While I have seen this actually happen, most of the time, it does not.  It also implies that the adopted child isn’t as wanted as a biological child.  Everyone’s situation is different and EVERY adopted child is loved and wanted.

*Are you going to tell them they are adopted?  Adoption is an amazing thing that should not have a negative feeling to it.  By hiding the fact that they are adopted, it is almost like you are ashamed of it.  Most adoptions now are open adoptions which is best for everyone involved.

*She (the birthmother) must be young, use drugs, etc.  Not all birthmoms are young or use drugs.   Even the young ones or the ones who do have a drug problem are still trying to give their baby the best life possible.

*Most people are curious about what race/or country of origin the baby will be.  It’s ok to ask, but when you are told the answer, here is how NOT to respond: If the baby is the same race as the couple: “Well at least they will look like they belong.”  While we know you don’t mean to be hurtful, just know we are happy with any race of baby that wants to join our family. If baby is a different race, “Well, aren’t you worried they won’t feel like they belong?”  Adoption is so amazing because families are created with every race and most of all, created with love.

*Good idea to adopt-now you don’t have to go through labor OR  Well you are taking the easy way out OR Must be easy to just have to buy a baby.  Adoptive moms would love to go through labor.  You don’t know their circumstance.  Adoption is NOT easy.  It is one of the hardest things emotionally, physically and mentally that you will ever do.  And babies are NOT bought-the fees are paid to agencies, lawyers, etc.

*Don’t you want kids of your own?  Don’t you want REAL kids?  Adopted children are our OWN children.  From Robin, “Yes, they are my REAL children, I leave my plastic ones at home.”

*That baby is so lucky to have you/ You are a saint to take in unwanted children.  Believe us, we are the lucky ones.  And these children are very much wanted and loved.

Keep in mind you can ask questions.  We know people want to know about the story of how this baby is coming to our family.  Just be sensitive and most of all BE EXCITED!!!

BIRTHPARENTS

What you SHOULD say to a birthparent:

*That’s an amazing thing you are doing to help a family have a child.

*You are so strong.

*You are doing such an amazing, selfless thing.

What you SHOULD NOT say to a birthparent:

*You are selfish for not being willing to raise your baby/You are just pawning off your kid and not taking responsibility. Birthparents are NOT selfish.  They are thinking about the best interests of their baby and want the very best for them and are taking responsibility to make sure they are cared for.

*You made a mistake and now you have to take care of it on your own.  Calling a baby a mistake is never a nice thing to say.  And telling a mother that now she has to take care of her mistake isn’t kind or right either.

*I could NEVER give up my baby.  Without these selfless mothers placing their children for adoption, many families would never have children.  We are so thankful for these parents who do place their children in our homes, with our families.  They will think about their baby every day-they do not give them up.  They will never forget their babies.  They will always love their babies.

About Birthparents:

From Karen: “Birthparents love their babies.   There won’t be a day they won’t think about their child. She is the only other person on this earth who loves my son as much as I do. She is the only other one who understands what it means to be his mother. She is his mom in a way I never will be and vice versa. She is the ONLY person in the world who was willing to suffer hurt day in and day out for his well being. If anyone deserves to see thier son it is her, because she made a selfless decision to do what was best for herself, her other kids and for him.”

About Open Adoption:

Open Adoption can range from emails, pictures, letters, to visits at your home, coming to birthday parties, etc.  Everyone’s situation is different.  With open adoption the child can have more people to love them and be able to have open communication with their birthparents and get questions answered that they might have.

This quote is from a birthmom on therhouse.com that I love so much. “I think open adoption is special because it really is about the combined love of everyone involved coming together  for one child. You have different people, coming together who often are  different ages, maybe from different areas, and different walks of life, who try to put those thoughts aside and focus on what has brought them  together; the shared love of one child.”

From Allison, an adoptive mom: “I wish people knew that kids would be more secure and better off if they knew their birth families. They wouldn’t wonder and yearn for what they don’t know. That I am mom and they love me, I take care of their hurts, physical and emotional. My kids trust and love me. But their birth moms are still mom in a way and I want to honor that. I can include them and it’s not a threat to me. The mothers are a blessing in my life and I can help to shape and guide a relationship to be the best for myself and our children. My children won’t be confused. They will know that their birth moms couldn’t take care of them and wanted them to be taken care of but love them and still want to share in their lives and achievements. I’m finding that as I’m willing to share and am not insecure about myself as mom, my kids birthmoms are gracious back and aren’t overstepping boundaries but so happy to be included as a part of our family. And they are to me, they have a place of honor in my life. I care deeply about them. My kids birthmoms are PEOPLE!! They have emotions and feelings too.
  My kids aren’t going to be warped or messed up because they know they have a birthmom that they know about too. My kids will accept them like other kids accept stepmoms. Not all situations are bad. They can be amazing and good if we try, best for us and the kids too.
My kids will be secure in the fact that they have family and are loved, and their family isn’t small. It includes us, our extended family, and their birthfamilies..all of us wanting the best for them and loving them. We may have bumps along the way like all families, but there won’t be secrets (which imply shame or wrongness) to surprise them later. They will always know and be proud of how special they are and how much they mean to so many people!!!!”

Thank you everyone who helped contribute to this post!  I hope that it has helped educate everyone more on the amazing thing that adoption is and how blessed we are on both sides from it.