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<\/p>\n**This morning I realized it has been exactly 6 months since placement, so I am posting two posts today. \u00a0I also realized I missed Alayna turning six months on Sunday!!! \u00a0I think I have too much going on this week \ud83d\ude00 **<\/p>\n
This is the post I have been dreading to write about. \u00a0Let’s just say placement day was not what you see on tv, at least for me. \u00a0At this point I hadn’t really slept or ate much in almost three days. \u00a0My body had turned against me. \u00a0You know when you have cried so much that you think you can’t cry anymore, but yet somehow, your body still can make tears? \u00a0That was happening. \u00a0I was dehydrated from all of the crying. \u00a0I had to wear glasses because my contacts stung too bad when I tried to put them in.<\/p>\n
My friend Melani offered to do my hair that day. \u00a0I am so grateful for her that day-she is one that I can always talk to about anything and she really helped me through a lot of the feelings I was having. \u00a0I don’t think I ever had feelings worrying if Lauren and Matt were going to sign the papers. \u00a0It was because they were going to sign the papers that I was so worried about. \u00a0I felt like I was tearing out Lauren’s heart, taking a part of her away and I was so worried that she wouldn’t be ok later.<\/p>\n
I went home and my friend Tara was cleaning my house. \u00a0She was moving to Wales and I had to say goodbye to her when we left for the hospital. \u00a0That wasn’t fair. \u00a0It wasn’t fair that I had to say goodbye to my best friend again on one of the worst days of my life. \u00a0I got spoiled by having her here for months (she hadn’t lived close to me for 11 years–Tonga, Ohio, and far from me in Utah) and I didn’t want to let her go just yet. \u00a0She had helped me the last few months and I know it wasn’t a coincidence she had been in Utah when she was. \u00a0I look back and see that she was here when she needed to be and left when she needed to be with her husband…even though if I had it my way she never would have left even eleven years ago, haha!<\/p>\n
We drove to the hospital and sat in the lobby with our caseworkers. \u00a0We showed them the videos that were made the days before, went over paperwork and signed the ones we needed to, but I was having a panic attack. \u00a0My friend Brittany came to take pictures of placement and even though it felt so horrible, we are all glad she was there and we have these pictures. \u00a0Matt came out and gave us the diaper bag and we hugged him. \u00a0Lauren wanted some time alone with Alayna and I was so glad she took that time. \u00a0Matt went back in and they signed the papers. \u00a0The lady, I think she was a judge, I can’t even remember, came out to the lobby to tell me they had signed the papers. \u00a0I sighed. \u00a0She said, “Oh I bet that is a relief that they signed.” \u00a0I broke down. \u00a0I was angry at her for even thinking that is what I was thinking about. \u00a0I wanted to yell at her and say, “One of my best friends just signed papers and is hurting right now and all I care about is that she is hurting right now!!!!” \u00a0I didn’t. \u00a0I couldn’t. \u00a0All I could get out is, “That’s not what it’s about.” \u00a0Lauren’s caseworker knew what it was about though. \u00a0She said, “Terra, I’m really worried about \u00a0you.” \u00a0I told her I would be ok. \u00a0And I was, as soon as I saw Lauren.<\/p>\n
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When I saw her and Matt come out of the room holding Alayna I looked at her and knew she would be ok. \u00a0How could she not?! \u00a0She just did one of the hardest things that anyone could ever do. \u00a0She is so strong. \u00a0She is so brave. \u00a0We hugged. \u00a0We looked at each other for what seemed like forever. \u00a0She looked down and Alayna and back at me a few times as if to say “Take her.” \u00a0I couldn’t do it. \u00a0She was stronger than me in that moment. \u00a0She took a step forward and started to hand Alayna to me. \u00a0I’m not sure how I kept standing. \u00a0I hugged her again and told her I loved her. \u00a0Her and Matt left and I broke down again. \u00a0I sat down with Alayna and just sobbed. \u00a0It took a few minutes for the peace to come. \u00a0And it did. \u00a0It was amazing that suddenly I felt at peace. \u00a0Lauren told me when she handed Alayna to me she felt at peace. \u00a0We were both blessed that day to feel peace and love from our Heavenly Father.<\/p>\n
We took Alayna into the nursery because we still had \u00a0more paperwork to do. \u00a0She got hungry, so I fed her. \u00a0She didn’t love her carseat (still doesn’t) and at one point we couldn’t get the buckles to buckle. \u00a0I tried, Josh tried, the nurses tried. \u00a0I thought it was broken and we would have to go to the store and buy a new one so we could take her home. \u00a0Luckily we got it to work and we were able to take her home. \u00a0I sat in the backseat with her and looking back was probably in shock. \u00a0It didn’t seem real. \u00a0When we brought her in the house Caleb had waited up to see her. \u00a0He was so excited and proud. \u00a0He was excited to tell my sister who was watching them all about how she had Lauren’s nose, Matt’s lips, Lauren’s chin and Matt’s hair but looks mostly like Lauren. \u00a0I fell asleep that night and know that I woke up with Alayna a few times to feed her, but honestly looking back I can’t remember that first night. \u00a0I know we had to set an alarm to wake her up and eat the first week. \u00a0She had jaundice, but luckily didn’t have to do any lights. \u00a0I’ll write more about our first month with Alayna soon. \u00a0For now, here is the video of placement.
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